Perfectionism and the Pursuit of Peace

Shiva, God of Destruction

Hello, my name is Joni Palita and I’m a recovering perfectionist. Perfectionism, like addiction, is a chronic condition that involves compulsively engaging in a behavior despite negative or harmful consequences in effort to avoid pain. And like addiction, the perfectionists pursuit to avoid suffering can ironically destroy their physical and psychological health, and damage their personal and professional life, thus creating exponentially more pain and suffering. Perfectionism, like addiction, usually has several causes, such as a genetic predisposition, a chemical imbalance in the brain, and several environmental factors, including a history of trauma and abuse. In my case, a childhood and early adulthood fraught with psychological, physical, sexual, and religious abuse, combined with the obsessive-compulsive traits often associated with autism spectrum disorder, created a perfect storm for me to become a perfectionist to the nth degree.

 

By the time I was just four years old I knew I had to find a way "home" to God so I could escape the pain life was causing me, and experience permanent love, peace, and joy; therefore, I demanded God show me how to get back to Him! This sincere demand would eventually lead me to the path of raja yoga and Advaita Vedanta as an adult.

 

In my effort to escape suffering, I tried to perfect everything I did in life, believing it would bring me relief. For example, I created the perfect exercise routine and diet so that I would have the perfect, healthy body. I earned straight A+’s throughout college because an A wasn’t good enough—only an A+ would do. And when it came to my pursuit of self-realization and spiritual liberation, the ultimate remedy for suffering, I strove for the perfect sadhana (spiritual practice), so that I could return home to God as quickly as possible. My love and devotion to God was intense, which is key to union with Him. But instead of enjoying my relationship with God, and all the fruits of such a relationship, I was racked with anxiety due to my belief that I had to perfect my spiritual practice by spending X number of hours a day absorbed in prayer, meditation, contemplation, doing Sanskrit chants, working on affirmations, reading, watching videos, and writing in my journal. I’ve been on disability since 2009, so this practice consumed my entire day, but somehow, that wasn’t good enough. As a perfectionist I believed I could somehow do better, if only I were more disciplined. Good grief!

 

My spiritual practice and fervent love and devotion to God eventually yielded great results…for a while. I found God, or rather my God Self, experienced life as an illusion, God’s dream, and was able to abide in Truth and Supreme Reality where the permanent love, peace, and joy I had been seeking were found. It was a triumphant achievement! But little did I know, God in His infinite wisdom, was about to take it all away so I would be forced to give up my perfectionism, which still persisted, and was getting in the way of leading an ever-more fulfilling life in service to God and others.

 

Suddenly, as if World War III had invaded my life, unusually traumatic events began to occur, one right after the other, with no time to come up for air. As I frantically fought to strengthen, and thus perfect, my spiritual practice, as well as other aspects of my life, this eventually proved to be impossible. Life continued to slap me in the face and punch me in the gut, and nothing it seemed could save me from the stinging, throbbing pain. When I sought counsel from the head swami at the Vedanta Society of Portland, God set me up again: Swamiji told me I needed to strengthen my spiritual discipline. Now that's funny! Intuitively that didn’t sound right, but the perfectionist in me thought he must be correct! Geez Louise! After the meeting, the most horrific experience yet unfolded, which finally broke me down completely. My chronically perfectionist mind decided that it must not be my karma to become spiritually liberated in this life, and get off disability, because I had run out of options to perfect myself. Full of despair, I accepted there was nothing else I could do except give up. And in that prefect state of surrender a miracle happened.

 

Later that night, out of habit, I prayed and began to meditate, even though I didn’t expect it to make me feel better. Within moments I experienced a sudden and deeply profound spiritual revelation: God brought this rapid succession of extremely traumatic events into my life to get me to see how dysfunctional my perfectionism had become. In an effort to control life, my demand for perfection in everything I did had paralyzed me, but I couldn’t see it. God had to get my attention, and apparently this was the best way. As perfect peace washed over me I suddenly knew exactly what I had to do.

 

I had been putting off publishing my new website, writing blogs, making videos, and offering intuitive spiritual counseling until all these traumatic events ceased. But God was now demanding that I move forward no matter how imperfect things seemed to me. First, I had to write a blog about perfectionism and not ask my editor to make it grammatically perfect for me. Second, I had to publish the website with the new blog even though the website is not, God forbid, finished yet. I haven’t finished defining all the words in the glossary. I guess y’all will just have to Google the words yourself! And never mind the fact that I haven’t recorded any videos or written future blogs in case something comes up and I can't write the next weekly blog on time. The world somehow manages to go on. I’m still not sure I like how I’ve written the “About” page… Oh well, time's up! I'm stuck with it for now. My small business coach strangely went MIA last week, thanks to God, and hasn’t helped me with all the website details, such as SEO. Obviously God didn't want my coach to help me on purpose, so why worry? Honestly, I don't think any of this stuff ever actually mattered at all. God just wants me to be free.

 

Perfectionism is spiritual bondage. As I embrace imperfection, I’ve discovered that it’s spiritually liberating—love, peace, and joy have returned. In the Bhagavad Gita it says, “Out of many thousands among men, one may endeavor for perfection, and of those who have achieved perfection, hardly one knows Me in truth.” Krishna is speaking directly to me. Krishna wants me to know Him, that is why he sent Shiva (pictured above), the God of destruction and slayer of demons, to violently, but lovingly, destroy my inner demon of perfectionism. Today, I am in awe and gratitude, knowing that whatever happens in my life, even the most shocking and crippling events, happen because God loves me.

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“Perfection is the enemy of progress.”

~ Winston Churchill

 

"Perfectionism is internalized oppression."  

~ Gloria Steinem

 

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius,

and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

~ Marilyn Monroe

 

“Excellence does not require perfection.” 

~ Henry James

 

“Do not seek perfection in a changing world.

Instead, perfect your love.”

~ The Buddha

 

''Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it.”

~ Salvador Dali