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Nothing drives us into the arms of God like intense fear, overwhelming suffering, and utter confusion. Even atheists pray to God in the fox-hole, as they say. The term "dark night of the soul" comes from the poem and book, "Dark Night," by the 16th century Spanish mystic, Saint John of the Cross. In his poem and book Saint John describes the soul's journey to union with God, i.e., self-realization or enlightenment. The dark night of the soul is the stage of final and complete purification, and is marked by confusion, helplessness, stagnation of the will, and a sense of the withdrawal of God's presence. It is the period of finally releasing the ego, and a surrender to the hidden purposes of the Divine Will. God actively annihilates all egoic-beliefs and identity. As much as we say we want God, our ego goes to war with God, protecting the false reality it has spent lifetimes creating, fighting to maintain control. But this false reality is the cause of all our problems, and deep down, in our heart, we know it. Eventually, someday, we begin to learn what it truly means to surrender. This un-doing, un-learning, letting go, and complete surrender to God during this dark night can take many years, a lifetime, or more than one lifetime.

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Saint John said, "The endurance of darkness is preparation for great light." I think it's important that I briefly highlight my experience with enduring the dark night while preparing for the great light. My dark night was not only preparing me for self-realization, but I was also being prepared to fulfill my professional life's purpose: to write and speak about self-realization and do intuitive spiritual counseling sessions.

 

Over the course of my life I have lived with autism spectrum disorder, chronic illnesses, chronic pain from multiple injuries, and endured every kind of abuse: physical, psychological, sexual, and religious abuse. Tremendous loss of every sort was a constant theme: loss of important people, jobs, money, my health, and more. These experiences taught me that my attachment to the idea that anyone or anything in this world, including my own health, could or should bring me the love, peace, joy, and security I was seeking, would only bring me crushing disappointment, as these things can only truly be found in God.

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The great light that comes at the end of the dark night is worth every moment of suffering. When the light of God came it awoke me from God's dream, maya, and I realized my life had been an illusion. Only God exists and is Truth and Supreme Reality; therefore, I am Truth and Reality because I am a ray of God. And since God is radiant light, unconditional love, perfect peace, dynamic calmness, permanent bliss, omniscient wisdom, and unlimited power, I am these qualities, nothing less. To experience the True Self is beyond words because it is beyond mind, time, and the physical senses. Experiencing the Absolute, even for just a brief moment, was such an awesome experience that it brought me to my knees, weeping with gratitude for the suffering I went through, because hell is what it took for me to finally know Heaven. And when hardships occur, and they still do, it doesn't matter, because I know it's just a dream, a concoction of the ego's imagination. It's like watching another episode of a TV show. We have an emotional reaction to the characters in the show, but when it's over we know it wasn't real.

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The dark night also prepared me professionally because now whoever comes to me for support can trust that I relate to their experience, thoughts and feelings, and I have nothing but authentic empathy and compassion for them. And because I have learned how to heal from  the past, I have realistic tools to help others cope with whatever issues they are facing.

 

I feel incredibly blessed by my life. Every experience has been gift, and I wouldn't change a thing! God certainly works in mysterious ways!